Loving lifted from TCF newsletter, Vancouver Island Chapters

Before the death of a child, in an intact marriage both contribute to a mutually satisfying relationship. The following are areas of sharing before the death and where lack of sharing occurs afterwards.

Before, in family activities, couples shared what happened during the day, etc. After the death, they may have an initial sharing regarding the funeral and everything relating to the child, but not to them as a couple. Emotional support was a balancing act before the death. Often there is no emotional support afterwards, because each is so wrapped up in individual grief. People in grief become introspective – a typical thought is how am I going to go on? Before the death there was mutual concern for each other’s well being: afterwards the concern is turned inward. While before the death there was interest in each other’s work, hobbies, and activities, afterward nothing has meaning.

Males deal with grief differently from females because they are expected to be strong emotionally, to not show emotion, to not cry after the funeral. Society does not allow males to show anger over the death. As providers, men go back to work soon after and away from where the memories are. They do not have as much time to think about what happened. As protectors, they may be feeling guilt. “Have I failed to protect my child in some way?” Also, there may be a feeling of wanting to protect the spouse by not being too emotional, by being “STRONG”.

Men are more self-sufficient, especially in the emotional area. Men are not likely to share very well: this hurts their ability to grieve. Men hurt as much as women do, but usually do not show it until something triggers it. A man may talk about many things like sports, or politics, but rarely is there someone with whom he can share his feelings. Men escape to the job, to outside activities. It is hard to find someone with whom to share feelings. Men will not usually recognize that it is all right to feel depressed.

Society says it is all right for a woman to cry and to talk about the loss. Women usually have a network of other women, although some of those making up the Network may drop the woman because of not being able to face what has happened. Women set the tone for the family. When in grief, her responses set the tone for the family atmosphere and can be devastating. Because women are the primary child-caring persons, the mother may be the one feeling guilty because she had responsibility for the child’s everyday care. Women are given more prescriptions for tranquillizers than men because of doctor’s attitudes.

How does couple reconcile these variables? What can they do to lessen the impact? Men should take it easy regarding outside activities. Emphasis should be placed on getting into the business of grieving, even isolating oneself at times to be able to grieve. Men should find someone with whom to talk, preferably another bereaved father. Don’t choose a woman because a man is too vulnerable emotionally and an unhealthy situation could develop. Men are “shaky” on accepting a group experience. Anger is what a man feels; he should express it by channeling it into aggression. Men should make a concerted effort to learn how to cry. Crying is a natural purpose. Find a catalyst—photo of your child, an article of clothing – anything that will make you cry. No one else need know about the crying if you go into another room. Some men find it takes much time before they feel free to cry, but once they do, it is then easier to continue to cry in private.

The woman in the bereaved couple should remember that she needs friends, especially other bereaved mothers. She should schedule time away from her job if she is a working mother, if nothing more than a flexible coffee break. Non-working mothers should use a baby-sitter and plan time away from the usual environment. It is vital to nurture yourself. Physical exercise helps overcome depression and anger. Ask for help if you need it, if someone says, “what can I do?” give them something that will help you; it will also be good for the volunteer.

Until a death occurs, husband and wife behavior patterns within a family are predictable; afterwards, they are different. In the new husband-wife relationships don’t’ try too much too fast. Drop expectations; be patient with each other. Respect how the other grieves and timetable for doing it; no two people grieve exactly the same way or same pace.

If one spouse does not show grief, it does not mean memories are forgotten. Spend time together even if you have to schedule it. Each spouse is a reminder of the loss; for this reason they may even avoid each other. There may be feelings of guilt and conflict over sex. Usually one partner is ready and the other is not. Sex is a happy experience, yet often there is guilt for allowing yourself to feel good when your child is dead. Therefore, resume slowly with patience. It is important to be able to say, “ I am angry about what happened to our child, but it does not mean that I don’t love you any less.